School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?