*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
You Might Also Like
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are