wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting