CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.