TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Discuss
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”