Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
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Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Good boy 😂😂
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Mouse
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*