84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Pot warmers of the day.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight