Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.