The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”