then why did i get this email
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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I hate my earbuds.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles