“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.