Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
no refunds
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard