ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
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They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Try and stop me.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?