I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.