She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
How it started How it’s going