Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?