I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
selena gomez
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.