bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
lol
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few