Yes my dude
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.