Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
That’s what I call a flat tire
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos