*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Growing up was a huge mistake
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*