[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger