I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?