Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i鈥檓 gonna break into y鈥檃lls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn鈥檛 you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn鈥檛 you tell me you could walk?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
God: you鈥檙e a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i鈥檓 an itty-bitty vampire!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 馃幍JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: It鈥檚 cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I asked which vaccine she got馃拃馃拃馃拃
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater