When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*pronounces fake like saké*
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.