surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
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Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!