If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️