They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
what
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.