When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous