I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
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Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.