ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You Might Also Like
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m giving up ice.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.