If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
When your parents check you’re ok.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
mood
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.