*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.