6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
awkward
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.