[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.