Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Waiting for the Charmin
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
You sure about that?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Hmmmmm
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School