Blew out my flip flop…
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Realize this:
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
😂🤣😂🤣
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93