A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Cats (2019)
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious