[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
You Might Also Like
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
🏙👨🏼
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
can’t catch a break
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
o shit
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money