At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night