when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*