Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Doormats are a gateway rug.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.