You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.