most whales are bigger than a strawberry
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When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy