Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism