Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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Not today
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
#Caturday
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.