The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
You Might Also Like
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
The smoothest fall of all time
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*pokes sex life with a stick
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..