upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
You Might Also Like
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
uh oh
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched