My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.