Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Wikigenius
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it